Are you in love? Can you recall the previous moment when you had a strong lovely feeling? And the lovely feeling was so strong that moved you to act silly? Are you prepared to sacrifice because of love? Do you consider love and marriage as a transaction?
This morning before I woke up I had a dream. A nightmare as usual. A hopelessness dream. However, I knew God was with me, so I was not scared of any bad dreams that I had. Though I had to admit that I had sinned all the time, and so the dream did remind me that I had to be careful of sinning, and also I had to remind all the time to myself, that I had to repent. Admit my sin. Ask for forgiveness. And ask for mercy.
Just similar to a normal day, I did not have the expectation that I would feel the lovely feeling this morning. I was sitting on my office chair and working on the computer. It was an orderly morning and I didn’t feel any specific SUPPORT feeling. I was generally in a happy mood, but I considered that I was in the peace system. Then the feeling arrived around 11am. At that specific moment and for the following 30 minutes, I suddenly visualized myself in a loving scenario coupled with a strong, tender loving feeling. I visualized and felt that I was a young girl in love, and was about to take off my clothing to lose my virginity, for love. I was so shy, and so loved, to the extent that I did not have eye contact with the lover that was physically absent from this scenario.
And I was so touched and moved that I really enjoyed this period. It was one of the most wonderful, and loving feelings and I doubted that I had ever felt this loving feeling before, after around 10 years of marriage with my wife. The remarkable scenario was that the lover was not physically present in front of me, I could not visualize her, but the feeling flew inside my heart. I could not fully explain what had happened, but just that I believe it was God who gave me this feeling, which inspired me to write this post, and again had mercy on me and gave me this special experience.
Besides, I considered that I was in the “love system”, again, but today’s happening was totally different from my previous experience in the love and hate system. In the previous context, I was mentally wielding a power, with the SUPPORT, to overwhelmingly defeat the evil, I believe, all in my mind. Today I found out a different perspective, being in love and inside the love system is all about being passionate, giving away myself, in contrast to being inside the love system and fight a spiritual warfare. Inside this second love system, I was like willing to sacrifice myself, and give my most precious thing to the one I love, that was my wife.
Today’s experience was a forcefully loving feeling that moved me to give my precious thing, for love. If you had previously read my blog post, especially on 10th May 2018, I had made a “give all” decision to God, but on that occasion, I was not being “forced or moved” by the feeling that I had today. On that occasion, it was a conscious, and pure decision to act based on instinct, but today I was moved by love to act on this “give all” decision. All I could say was that I simply could not control myself, and I did not actually want to leave this lovely feeling, after all.
To me, love is not a transaction, but a give all or sacrifice. It is not only a loving and conscious decision to give myself to my lover, that is my wife, but also a forceful feeling which motivates, and leads me. Was it God who gave me this feeling to move me to act for Him, in the present and future context, to do His will?